Beth.....

This post is dedicated to Beth McKinney...

Beth. Beautiful, sweet Beth. I miss you. Your life, your death changed me, and impacted me in ways that you will never know. You've been with Jesus for 10 years now, but I haven't forgotten you...I never will.


Some people in your life you think will just always be there. You take them for granted. Beth was one of those people. From the day that I was brought home from the hospital, she lived next door...just a few yards from our bedroom window. She had dark hair, blue eyes, a big smile..and sometimes snorted when she laughed really hard. My earliest memories in childhood include her....whether it was playing in the leaf piles together, going to her birthday parties every year, playing with her dog, Cory, swimming in our pool...they could go on and on.

But Beth wasn't like every other child. She had spinabifida.She spent her days watching us from a wheelchair...only imagining she could run and dance like we could. Beth didn't have many friends, and was a little slow in school. She was 2 years older than me, but sometimes I felt like the big sister.

Oh to be a kid again! Getting excited over making homemade "lipgloss", walking to the drug store, riding our bikes..(beth had one that was pumped with the arms), racing (her dad pushed her, and swore she was faster than we'd ever be..) ... playing our instruments and singing together..so many memories!

But those memories are tinged with regret. guilt. Because, as I was a friend to Beth and grew up with her, I didn't always treat her right. I didn't always want to be "slowed down" by her. I didn't always think that being friends with a handicap person was "cool". And so, as I got older, I was a friend to her face, but not in the heart. We would take her places, do things with her, but would complain about it and drag our feet behind her back. We would call her names... ignore her when she was waiting outside for us to come talk/play. And after awhile, she stopped waiting for us. And the sad part is, I was relieved.

I remember the last time I talked with her. She was 14, I was 12. She was sitting outside in the driveway, where she usually would sit when she wanted us to talk with her. I went outside, not willingly, but I'm sure glad I did now. I dont' even remember what we talked about..I just remember her face, how she looked sad, lonely. I remember thinking that I should talk with her more.

I didn't get another chance. I'll never forget the Sunday that my mom and I came home from running errands, to see my dad...crying. I hardly ever see my dad cry. He quickly explained that Beth had gotten meningitis, and had died within 24 hours. He had just found out. My heart stopped. I was angry. I remember going downstairs to my keyboard, plugging in the headphones, and just playing loud, mournful music. I didn't have much time to think. That evening at church was my first youth service. I was playing my first piano solo in front of the church. God helped me get thru it, but my mind didn't stop thinking about my friend, Beth.

Two days later was the viewing. One of the saddest days I can remember. Standing in line, waiting to talk to her family, there were pictures of Beth. All of them were her with family, except one - where it was Beth, Heather and I at the last birthday party we had gone to. Later, as I talked and cried with her mom, I realized for the first time: Heather and I were one of the only friends Beth had. Her mom didn't let go of us for at least a minute, crying and telling us " I will always love you girls...you were one of the only friends Beth had..you waited for her, played with her..I will always love you for that". I couldn't have felt more like a hypocrite than I did at that moment. I have never felt so much regret, wishing to go back and change my actions and my heart.

I said at the beginning of this post that Beth changed me. And she did. After her death, I was so saddened by the thought that Beth lived a lonely life - probably partly due to her disability. I felt guilty, responsible.. but also very determined. I didn't want that to happen to any other child, and I certainly didn't want to be the cause for it. I wanted to defend every child who gets made fun of, teased and abused because they are different and/or have a disability. I wanted to befriend them, love them, be there for them.

After going to Shepherd's home in 2004, this was confirmed. God had given me a heart and a love for those with special needs. And I knew that somewhere down the road, He would have a plan for that love and purpose in my heart. And I know He still does.

Another thing happened after Beth died. I started living for the Lord. Until then, my salvation wasn't real to me..it was just words. But God took ahold of my young heart that year. I started soaking in His Word, growing, learning....I rededicated my life to Him. Became baptized. Started serving. This is the time when I look back, and see the change and transformation that God's love worked in my heart. And I am so thankful for that..

Beths' life and death also taught me the importance of living well, and loving those that God has put in your life with your whole heart. Life is too short to have any regrets. I have had many other regrets since her death, don't get me wrong..but whenever she comes to mind, I am reminded of this. You don't know the time that God might take you, or someone you dearly love home. Live ready for that day.


Thank you, Beth, for your friendship. For your life, and the lessons I learned from you. I miss you...I wish you were still here so I could tell you all of this myself. But that day is coming soon :) Until then, I won't let your story be forgotten. I will tell my children of my mistakes and what I learned from you. And I will never be the same...